


Permeable Darkness

by FaintinDestruction



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Chains, Character Death Fix, Dark Character, Demon!Dean, Destiel - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-01
Updated: 2014-06-01
Packaged: 2018-02-03 01:56:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1726892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FaintinDestruction/pseuds/FaintinDestruction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”<br/>-  14th Dalai Lama, The Art of Happiness</p>
            </blockquote>





	Permeable Darkness

"Dean is alive?!" Cas’ eyes widen in a mix of shock and confusion but the happiness about this information was shown when he lifted the corners of his mouth up and there was a glimpse of wetness in his eyes as he attempted to walk towards Dean’s room. He wanted to see him, to witness this wonder or whatever this was and he wanted to hug him, to use this one gesture of affection he just started to enjoy to show Dean how glad he was, how relieved he was about this change of event.

But Sam stopped him, grabbed his arm and let his hand there for the moment. The Angel crooked his head slightly and frowned when he saw the expression in the tall hunter’s face. He noticed before that he seemed tired, exhausted but now there was more in it. A heaviness that let the usual tall hunter seem small and weak.

"Cas, listen..He’s not the same." Sam’s voice was broken, low and thick of worry. "And he’s ..not in his room." The hunter added and shrugged his head into the direction of the dungeon. Cas blinked, his face showing concern and then his chest tightened. He understood. He didn’t think first but now he understood. Reasoning won over happiness and the wonder was not a wonder anymore.

”..the mark..” Cas almost whispered and Sam nodded, his eyes on the ground and the hunter let go of his arm.

"I..I tried everything.. I tired to exorcise him but ..i can’t.. because..the demon.. is Dean…it’s him and I would just .. send him to hell and the only thing I would have left would be his dead body…cas ..he tried to attack me.." Sam’s voice cracked, emotions running through his eyes and Cas lowered his head. .."And ..demon or not.. i can’t send him to hell again.. i just can’t.." Sam was obviously torn and broken. The Angel placed his hand gentle on the hunter’s shoulder.

"Sam, I’m sorry…" He was sorry for the younger brother and sorry for Dean. But also felt useless against this. his grace was fading. His connection were broken. There was no one who could help, heaven nor hell. He squeezed the shoulder before he let the hand drop. "You’re right. Sending him to hell is no option nor ..killing him.:" even saying these words tasted disgusting on his tongue. He licked his lips as if he tried to get the taste away and Sam shook his head erratic. "No! We have to find a way to turn him back:" he said, suddenly sounding stronger and Cas almost felt the brotherly bond. It was clear that the winchesters found a way back before this happened. Cas nodded agreeing. He swallowed hard, feeling guilt about the fact that he wasn’t fast enough to save him or strong enough to save him now. "I want to see him.." He said and waited for Sam to give him the keys. He felt sick, his stomach twisted at the image of dean and the demonic presence he was now.

—-

The heavy Door opened slowly with a loud squeaking noise and Cas could yet see the intact devils trap on the ground and dared not to move his eyes up yet. There was a noise of chains moving and was that a growl?! It was low but it was there. He finally dared to move his eyes around the dark room and found someone crouching on the ground, a familiar back, tense and shifting. The Angel swallowed and stepped towards him.

"Dean?" He said and crooked his body slightly down to the side as if he tried to look around the figure that suddenly twitched.

"Cas.." The voice was familiar but there was something inside it that let him shiver, an echo of something cold and dark. "You..really shouldn’t be here..angel." Dean said and still didn’t move much , just played with his chains. Cas could see the random movements of his shoulderblades behind the torn and dirty fabric of the hunter’s Jacket.

"I wanted to see you." Cas was not sure what he expected but it wasn’t the fast turn of Dean’s head. He couldn’t even focus on the strange hiss that reached him because he saw into the dark eyes, through them and directly into the stained soul that was so bright once. His heart ached and he felt the pain about this view reaching every part of his mind.

"Now you saw me!" The demon yelled and a weird grin was deforming dean’s face. "Happy?! …ohhh." A blink and the eyes turned normal and Cas shrugged. Was that a good sign? Dean’s expression seemed a bit lighter but there was still the turned soul that was giving Cas shivers and the Demon seem to notice how much it affected him. "You can see it right? The dirt? the darkness. I’m a beauty right, thorny pain and stuff?" The demon smirked but it seemed cold, uncaring,almost disgusted. Dean moved up and stood wobbly for a second. "This was predictable..Cas." Dean rose his arms. "This had to happen." Cas stood, frozen and tried to move his eyes away but he tried to find a glimpse of the one he knew, the one he missed. His face turned pale when emotions finally reached his face. "Poor Castiel.. look at you.." Dean stepped towards him until the chains stopped him. He pointed at him and pursed his lips. "broken wings.." He actually looked over cas’ shoulder as if he could see them and maybe he could. "Lost your army, lost your friends, lost your home and ohh.. you lose your grace." Dean made showed fake pity in his expression and then squinted, pulling on the chains. "You’re going to die!" he hissed. "And you deserve it! You know why?!" Cas flinched when spit flew through the air caused by the anger and hate in dean’s voice. "You fucked up Cas! Everything you did ended in a mess and now.." Dean leaned back. "You did this! You were so busy to stop metadouche from ruling that you forgot me! You knew I would use the blade and you knew the mark was fucking with my mind!" There was some kind of honest anger in his words and the cold shower of guilt was running over Castiel. He swallowed hard and looked down. He tried to avoid to look into these dark eyeballs but couldn’t help himself.

"You’re right dean, I was too late. I failed more then I succeeded. And maybe..maybe I deserve to die but not yet." Castiel dared to take a step towards the demon who watched him closely.

"What? You wanna kill me!? You wanna smite me and send me back to hell because yeah that’s the place I belong right? because I’m a monster and you kill monsters!" Cas stopped and his eyes widen. He was sure he heard emotions in dean’s voice, just a glimpse but it was there. The despair, the self-loathing.

"No." Cas said low and rose his chin. "I’m here to save you. I did it once and I will do it again." His stern deep voice still showed insecure. He had no idea how he could help him. He didn’t even know enough about the mark and hated himself for that. He should have known. His head was full of unimportant stuff thanks to metatron and it had no use. It actually distracted him, kept him confused and unfocused. It was all just sciolism with no meaning.

"Why? what’s the point?" the demon was seemly confused about it and leaned against the chains to be closer to the angel. It was a moment of this familiar gravity between them that always occurs when they were close. Or maybe it was just Cas hoping for a little bit of his dean. "Screw you Cas, I don’t wanna be saved." Dean huffed and turned away. Cas could swear he saw a glimpse of green in those eyes before he turned. There was a low chuckle that sounded not amused at all. Cas rose his hand, attempting to touch dean’s shoulder but the demon played him. He turned fast and grabbed Cas by the throat, holding him close. "Gotcha!" he said and squeezed the flesh in his hand. It took Castiel by surprise and he grabbed the wrist that was holding his throat, choking out a whimper. He was too weak. He couldn’t use his last piece of grace for this. he had other plans and tried to get out of dean’s grip.  
"See, that’s your freaking problem. Emotions. You are so full of them and you’re blind." Dean hissed and lifted cas from the ground. Cas lost the ability to breath and gasped, exhaling the air that was left in saying Dean’s name. Cas was not sure how much dean was in this vessel. Maybe he was hiding in this cloud of darkness, ashamed about himself, about his wrath and anger. About the addiction to this power and that he got turned into the one thing he hated the most. Cas knew him too well. Dean wants to die cause living like this was no option for him. It had to be the clue. Dark, black eyes were watching him and how he struggled to catch air until his vision got blurry. Dean was going to kill him, he will die. He can’t die, not now, not yet. "You’re so weak. Always attempting to do the right thing and in the end you fail. You came here for what?! to celebrate that I’m still alive!? Guess what!? i’m not!" He saw himself in these black balls, his own reflection and how human he looked. He changed. When I look into your eyes, I don’t see an angel staring back at me. He remembered these words and now really understood cause he saw it himself. Maybe it was what kept him from succeeding. He tried so hard to be an angel that he didn’t notice that it was already too late. He was no longer an angel and maybe he never really was. He remembered how he wished to get back to his old self when he thought dean was dead, how much pain he felt about the loss. The first time he felt loss so heavy and strong. He wanted to feel nothing.

Eventually his Mind started to shut down, not much air was left and his body got slack in dean’s grip, his hand dropped and he stared at dean, his own eyes burning, tears running down his cheeks. “it’s okay..” He breathed out and his lungs were empty. He knew that if there was still a bit of his dean left, he would feel more then guilt about this. Then when he thought it was over, the grip loosened and he fell to the ground, unable to hold himself up on his feet, he fell to his knees and breathed in deeply just to cough heavy. His throat burned and his lungs hurt but he could breath. he never was so glad that there was air to breath.

"You..stupid.. Sonofabitch!" Dean yelled at him. "YOU would let me kill you!! Yeah! Just to leave me right?!! because everyone is leaving me!! In the end everyone I care about is leaving me, dying because I pulled them into my crappy life!! BUT not NOT by my own hands CAS! NEVER by my OWN hands!!" the yell and the noise of heavy moving chains let him look up, still coughing a bit but he almost choked when he saw the change in dean’s face. "I don’t need your fucking help! I don’t need your company! I don’t even deserve any company! JUST GO!! If you’re not here to kill me then GO!" Dean barked and leaned himself against the chains. Cas was sure he saw tears in dean’s now green eyes. He was right. Dean was using this dark cloud to hide himself behind it or was not able to fight himself. He hated himself so much that he was tempting cas to die. The Angel’s chest ached about this realization.

"Dean… please don’t do this to you.." Words still felt painful in his sore throat. Cas stood, slowly and swallowed down the dry feeling. "You deserve to be saved. It was not your fault. I.. I should have known.. I wasn’t aware that the mark .." Cas shook his head. It was too late for this. "Let me help you.. please."

Dean turned around and Cas saw his shoulders tensing, the muscles moving under the torn fabric caused by Dean’s panting. He was still fighting. “You wanna help? then kill me..” Dean said, It was an almost whimper and Cas felt weak against the emotions this self-hatred and despair was causing. “I can’t .” Cas said. “I can’t for many reasons.:” he added and again dared to step closer. it seemed saver now. “Dean, look at me.” Cas tilted his head when the hunter turned, his face was softer but filled with the wrinkles of worry, the dark shadows under his eyes darkened the usual light green. Deep red lines on his face, obviously caused by pressure. “I can’t live like this Cas. I’m a monster.” He pressed these words out, still fighting obviously. “I can’t..control it it’s.. overwhelming me and I.. need to ..” Dean was struggling to stay in control and Cas moved carefully into his personal space. “You’re stronger then this. Stay with me.” he rose his hand, cupped dean’s cheek who stopped breathing for a second at this action, eyes widen when he stared at Cas. “I don’t want to hurt you nor am I able to kill you.” Cas said softly and tilted his head. Dean shook his head erratic. “Cas, please stay away from me. You know it’s still me ..this thing.. is.. it’s just ..”

"Dean." Cas said to stop him from talking. "I’d rather have you, cursed or not.. remember?" Dean blinked at these words, his eyes switching back and forth and he finally inhaled again. Cas was not sure if he saw a slight smile on the hunter’s face. "Then..what.. what do we do?" Dean said and Cas felt relief about that Dean gave in to his offer but what he was about to do was not easy. "There’s something about Angels and demons.." Cas started and made a gentle move with his thumb over dean’s cheek. it was an unfamiliar action but dean leaned against this touch.  
"We are able to ..purify" Cas said and smiled a weak smile. The answer came into mind when he heard the words about the ‘thorny pain’ he remembered meg and what happened during his first kiss. It made sense all of a sudden. Meg’s change after this. She turned more and more human and maybe if he puts enough effort and grace into this… He stared at dean who seemed confused about his words. "What’re you talking about?" Cas had a few different experiences when it came to attraction, affection and but the one before him was the only reason why he kept going, why he never stopped fighting. Dean was the only one he ever loved and he understood that emotion far too late. But grasping this huge emotion was not easy of course. Not even for humans obviously. "You showed me what it means to be human. I still can see the humanity inside you." he said, moving closer. "And I need you to see it yourself." The angel was not sure how Dean would react. He never told him his feeling, never showed it to him and this would cross a line but in the end, cas wouldn’t be alive to witness Dean’s rejection.

He eventually leaned in close enough that he could smell Dean’s breath. It was still the same but a glimpse of sulfur was noticeable. He felt the scruff underneath his fingers and crooked his head, their noses almost touching now and dean didn’t move an inch. Cas expected him to but he didn’t. “Cas..” Dean said low, questioning, asking but also a little plea was in this word. “Dean, I need you to live. I need you to be the human I see when I look at you and I need you to be there for your brother. ” he whispered. “I need you, Dean.” Cas added before he closed the distance, knowing that this was comparable to a love confession but he didn’t care anymore. The surprised noise Dean exhaled let him froze for a second but he finally felt these soft lips on his. He never thought he would cross that line but it needed to be done. Dean seemed to relax and his mouth opened slightly, obviously welcoming the kiss. A shiver run over him and he tried to focus but it felt so good. He urged for this so long but never dared, never tried. But Dean eventually replied, grabbed him by the collar and pulled him even closer and and there was a different kind of despair in this kiss that caught the angel off guard. Cas gasped out at the sudden wave of sensation and blinked his eyes open, staring at the hunter face and long lashes so close. Freckles and wrinkles of year-long worry but he was not able to admire this view. if the little normal kiss was causing a change in a demonic soul like it once did to meg then he was sure that a push of energy could do so much more. As much he wanted to enjoy this kiss, to celebrate the fact that dean replied and maybe even returned his feeling, he had focus on his plan.

He closed his eyes again, moving his lips with dean’s and it was difficult to get his focus back. The little grace that was left inside him was locked up and he opened the mental box to let it go, sharing it with the kiss. Dean noticed, he felt the energy shift and could see the little blue light moving as he opened his eyes to see what’s going on. cas’ eye glowing behind his lids and the angel held him close, tight. it was too late. Cas knew that cause he yet felt himself weaken and all dean could do is let the energy work, cleaning his soul and mind from the stain of the mark which started to glow on Dean’s arm. The tremble he felt came from dean, the grace was working and Dean pulled away, holding up his hands and looked at them. He was glowing slightly and the mark blew up from his arm in red glowing pieces. Cas dropped to the ground when the hold of dean was gone and stared at the hunter, seeing him reacting almost in panic. “Cas?! What did you do?!” Cas gave him a weak smile but blood was already running down his chin, leaving his lips randomly. He was not able to restore himself. But it was okay. Dean was okay. “I saved you.”

Dean winchester is saved. Once he shouted these words in enochian. he was so proud about this deed. He was the one who saved him from his demons once and he did it again. He would do it over and over. just for one human. Metatron was right. He fell in love with the humanity inside dean and he brought it back. Used his last energy and finally fixed something. Finally felt like he redeemed himself. “No.. no!” Dean was there. His broken words reached Cas’ ears but he struggled to see. Was he lying on the ground? He was not sure. His vision was blurry, red. he blinked. “Dean…” he looked up. he rose his hand, ready to touch the hunters face but he was too weak. It fell down. again. “Don’t die.. please don’t die.” Dean sounded desperate, human. He did it. “It’s..okay dean..” Dean held him, still in chains but close enough to pull him into his lap. “SAM!” he yelled out louder then Cas every heard him scream the name of his brother. “SAM!!” A tremble. Was it his or dean’s? So cold… “no..nonono.. Cas please stay with me do you hear me!?” Cas was not able to hear these words clearly. There was something wet on his forehead. Dean was crying. He was crying. Cas could be sure it was his dean. The most human human on this planet. “Cas!” the sound of the broken outcry of his nickname never reached his ears.

—-

Warm? Comforting. A Sigh as his first breath. he blinked his eyes open. Did he go to heaven? he was sure he couldn’t. He had no soul. There was a wooden ceiling above him and it smelled familiar. A thick blanket was covering him and a low noise that sounded like snoring let him turn his head. He knew that snore. Dean was sitting beside his bed, sleeping in the chair. Cas blinked, felt his head ache, his whole body felt weak but he was alive. How did he survive? The smell of the bunker gave him more comfort then he thought and dean’s calm expression he always wore when he was asleep felt warm in his guts. “Dean?” he finally managed to say and the hunter almost jumped out of his slumber.  
“CAS! god dammit I thought you would sleep forever.” the hunter stood and almost stumbled as he reached out to .. No he stopped himself and rubbed his neck. Cas frowned, made a painful expression as he tried to move his torso up. “I’m alive.. i’m astonished.” He admitted and blinked into a confusing expression. Dean seemed to blush. Cas’ eyes widen and he opened his mouth to say something. “No! I didn’t sell my deep grace cleaned soul.” he smirked at cas who relax at these words. “Sammy neither by the way.” Cas smiled at him and the younger brother appeared in the door, his face lighten up when he saw cas.  
“You look ..good… a bit scruffy around the chin.” Sam said and smirked but Cas had to blink at this words. he moved his fingers over his face and felt the much longer hair on it. He was human again.  
“I don’t know man.. I like a little peach fuzz.” Dean recommended with a shrug.  
” ‘Course you do”. Sam replied and his grin widened. The brothers seemed to get along again and that let him smile as well. He didn’t quite get their strange conversation about his facial hair but he was happy to see that they acted like brothers again.  
“I still don’t get how I survived.” Cas said and finally managed to move into a sitting position. “You mean after you sacrificed your sorry ass..again!?” Dean made an angry expression but Cas could look right through it.

"Aaand that’s my clue!" A familiar face appeared in the door frame , holding up his hands high with a big grin on his face. "tadaa!" Cas eyes widen.  
"Gabriel?" his jaw dropped and he looked at dean and back to the angel who pursed his lips and walked into the room. "Yep. couldn’t let my little bro die without punching in the face for being so dumb." He actually slapped cas in the face who just blinked. Cas frowned, feeling the familiar pain of a slap as a reminder that he was human again. "You kissed that little ape and the only thing you think of is getting rid of your life?" he looked at dean who was about top protest but stopped himself. "You must be something deano..seriously." Sam rose his brows at these words and looked at dean who just pointed at him. silent conversation. "So, I had my ears and eyes on you since the last time we met.. ya know..in your head and stuff and decided that metatron could kiss my ass." Cas crooked his head.  
"You saved my life..thank you." he just said and gabriel’s expression softened before he made a huff, shrugging it off as if it was nothing. "Sure thing, had no idea what to do with my juice anyway." he patted cas on the shoulder and turned to dean. "And you look out for my little brother like you do with little sammy here. Next time I won’t be there to fix your messes." gabe dropped his Hands. "Ah, ya know what.. i bet I will be there anyway,. You know how it is with little siblings." he looked crooked at sammy and smiled. "Can’t get rid of them.." With that he snapped his fingers and vanished into the thin air.

~fin~

**Author's Note:**

> I had a hard time to write this and I actually wanted to end it with Cas' Death but my soul screamed at me to do something... Sorry for grammer mistakes. English is not my first language.


End file.
